Let me start by saying that I am a horrible decision maker. Don, on the other hand is a great decision maker. A problem or choice faces Don and he faces it head on and makes the decision and starts working on the plans to implement said decision. This whole process can happen within a matter of minutes with Don. For me, I weigh every possible option and I mean every option. I attempt to picture the outcome of each option and even then each option usually has the same number of pros and cons so then I have to prioritize where these pros and cons fall in importance. I then might come to a decision but believe me I will still have many doubts. These doubts will then lead me down a road of procrastination in which I put this decision off for days, weeks, months, maybe years. Nothing gets done. This is where Don and I have complimented each other very well. I slow him down before he makes too many impulsive decisions(however, it is sometimes hard to slow that train🙂) and he encourages me to narrow my options so we can continue moving forward.
Most of these decisions in life no matter how big or small you find pride in those good decisions and figure out a way to live with the bad. But the decision to end the life of a precious creature who has filled your heart with such incredible joy and love and just completed your family in a way you never realized is just the most excruciating decision I have ever had to make in my entire life.
I remember when my mom called me when I was up at school to let me know that she had put our family dog down. First, I couldn’t believe she was calling me after the fact. I could have come home to say good-bye, and helped my mom and Babe through the process. Then, I was questioning why she put her down. The last time I was home she seemed to be doing fine. She had a growth that wasn’t attractive and might have been bothersome when she was relieving herself but all in all she seemed to be doing okay and I didn’t feel like she was that old yet. I questioned if my mom was just putting her down to ease her life and allow her to come and go as she pleased. I am glad I just vented these concerns to my roommate and never voiced these to my mom. And as with so many things I have experienced in my life since my mom has passed I wish I could hug her and tell her I am so sorry for having any of these thoughts and I now realize the anguish she went through to make such a decision and once again this was a decision and an act that my mom had to do all by herself. I know why she didn’t call me beforehand. She didn’t want to hear my questions and/or concerns because she had already muddled through all of those a hundred times and if she was going to do what she knew was best for a dog she loved so much, a companion that was by her side through the most difficult times in her life, she had to move forward with her decision without anyone else’s doubts stopping her.
For our first dog Claus and for Lily 6 months ago, there was no decision to be made. Claus had fallen ill with pneumonia and there was no way she was going to get better and watching her suffer just for a day was too long. Lily had been cognitively and physically struggling for months but one morning she woke up crying and was unable to move her hind legs. No decision was to be made; she could not live like that. With them there was some peace to their passing knowing they were suffering so much.
With JoJo it has been completely different. We knew something was wrong with JoJo because over the past two years she has been losing weight at a very unhealthy pace and her liver numbers became very abnormal. Without doing the expensive, intrusive tests the vet concluded that she had some kind of liver disease, most likely cancer. This past February after another bout with diarrhea she told us JoJo had probably 2-3 months left. JoJo definitely did not agree with this assessment.
When we were given this news, we began thinking about our options with both dogs. Since Lily was struggling so much we thought when JoJo gets too sick we will put them down together. Sisters who came into this world in the same litter will go out of this world together. The vet even encouraged us with this decision because she had explained that Lily’s cognitive issues would probably get worse without JoJo around. JoJo was her guiding beacon♥️. Once again, Don was very confident with this decision. I still had my doubts like I always do.
Then came the dreadful morning of April 2 when Lily was so scared and didn’t know what was happening to her poor body. This isn’t how the plan had played out in our minds. JoJo was doing well. She had not had any diarrhea since February, she was eating, drinking, still jumping up on the couch, running down the hall. There was no way we could put JoJo down with Lily on that day. So we brought JoJo with us to the vet but to only be there for her sister and for us as we watched Lily leave this world.
We were concerned how JoJo would assimilate to a world without Lily. They had literally been together since birth but just like she has been her entire life the days following Lily’s death she was the happiest dog. She helped us so much with our grief process with Lily. She really settled in being an only “child”. She got our undivided attention and she thrived. Those 3 months that the vet gave her came and went and we started to believe that JoJo might make it to her 17th birthday in January.
She started having some bad days. Days where she was super lethargic, not eating well, and barely pooping. We would start to prepare that the end of the road was coming for JoJo but then she would bounce back. The next day she would be following me around the apartment like she always did, begging for food while I cooked, and her favorite thing to do is to be our canine prewash cycle as we stacked dishes in the dishwasher.
This past couple of weeks the bad days were outnumbering the good days and Don started getting into decision mode. I could not get there. Even though good days were not happening anymore, there were still good moments. So the second I was going to give Don permission to make the call, she would push herself out of her comfortable spot underneath the living room table with her favorite blanket and come and watch me cook in the kitchen. See. . she isn’t ready to go yet. . I would tell myself. Everyday JoJo and I would cuddle on the couch together and I would tell her that when she was ready she needed to give me a sign. I thought for sure I would know when she was ready and then I would be ready. Don kept telling me that it is the humane thing to do before she gets to the Lily or Claus stage or to a point that she loses dignity but how do you know when that point is coming??? We would watch her walk and it was obvious that it was becoming very painful but JoJo was such a fighter. I didn’t want to give up on her. I cannot tell you how many mornings I woke up or how many times we left and came home and I was hoping that we would walk in the door and she would be gone naturally. This was a decision I did not want to make but I knew it was mine and mine only to make. Don already had made his decision and I just needed to give him the go ahead.
The weight of this was immeasurable. In my head, I knew what should be done for JoJo’s well being but my heart just could not catch up. Even now, a day later my heart has not caught up and I am not sure it ever will. These animals give us so much unconditional love. Lily and JoJo were with us as we raised two teenage girls. They comforted me when they both left for college and eventually different states. They resiliently became city dogs when we decided to move downtown and they saw me through such dark days of grief so many times. And after all this love and compassion they gave me, I am going to be the one to decide when they leave this world???
So as with all decisions good or bad I have to learn how to live with this one. Again, my head knows this was the right decision and I am so glad that JoJo is no longer in pain and in my mind is running in a park right now with Lily right by her side with my mom and Mary watching over them in between their slot pulls or poker games. However, it will take a while for my heart to catch up. JoJo I will love you forever and I hope you know everything you have done to make my world a better place. Rest in peace my furry, beautiful fighter.
I want to thank my rock of a husband who I know also had so many inner struggles with this decision but kept us focused on what was best for JoJo and to my wonderful daughters whose thoughtful, compassionate words helped ease our minds and for sending so many pictures and videos that I had forgotten about.
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