So Many Emotions

They are born, you feed them, nurture them, teach them, watch them fall, take care of them when they are ill, cheer them on, take them on vacations, love them with your entire body and soul and then. . . .they leave you.

That is really how it is supposed to go.  Parenting is defined as the process of raising a child from birth to independent adulthood.  But no one tells you how difficult it is to say goodbye and watch them go and live their lives without you.  That may be a bit dramatic.  We will always be “with them” and they certainly will reach out when they need something but I personally never thought both of my girls would be living thousands of miles away from me and as we move our oldest to Colorado this weekend, there are so many emotions I am feeling.

Anger–There has been a glimmer of this emotion but as I always told my students, anger is a secondary emotion.  It is always a result of some other emotion you are feeling.  I feel some anger because this isn’t how it was supposed to be, at least not how I envisioned it.  As I said in an earlier posting, I expected my younger daughter to move to LA as soon as she graduated.  It was her goal since high school.  But my older daughter–she was going to be my homebody.  She was going to stick close by but then tragedy hit–something that none of us saw coming and that changed everything and that makes me angry.  But I know it’s not anger–it is actually sadness.

Sadness–Even today as we pack up her apartment, I cannot imagine the day we drive away from her (and that incredibly cute grandpuppy!) in Denver.  Every time I think of that moment, I can hardly contain myself.  We spend so much time together, laugh so hard, cry over big things and incredibly stupid things, make so much fun of her father, gossip about the celebrities as if we know them, watch way too much reality TV, and talk–our talks!–it is what I love the most about both of my daughters.  I love hearing their insight and perspectives.  I love hearing about their hopes and dreams, their fears, their day to day events.  I am going to miss that so much.  

Pride–I feel like I use this word so much when it comes to my girls but I honestly don’t know a better word.  I just looked up synonyms of the word pride and none of them capture the true appreciation that I have for what these girls have already accomplished in their short lives.  And for both of them to move to cities and create new lives. . .well, this was something I never would have dreamed of doing myself so I am in awe of their courage and bravery.  Courage to follow their dreams, overcome obstacles, and become so truly independent is inspiring even for their middle-aged mom.

Inadequate–Yes, this is a feeling and it is usually tied to low self-esteem, which I told you will probably be one of my topics for a future blog or you will read the common thread throughout my posts.  When I see what my daughters are doing and how independent they have become I truly don’t believe I have had a phase in my life that I have been as independent as they are.  I have never really been alone, which I tie independence to.  I would say the most independent time of my life was right out of college when I got my first job and was living by myself in my own apartment.  But even then, my mom found that apartment for me, I was driving a car that my mom got me for college graduation, and my living room furniture was old furniture from my mom’s condo.  I only lived in this apartment for a year and then Don and I moved in together.  I see my daughters moving to new cities, buying and selling things on Facebook Marketplace, finding their own apartments, leaving jobs and finding new ones, having to find new doctors, dentists, banks, etc. (Yes, I still go to the same dentist I had in high school!) and I know I could have never done that, will probably never do anything like that in my lifetime, and question what have I been doing???  Again, this is a whole other topic for a different blog but I do feel a bit inadequate watching them create their lives and wonder if my mom felt any of that when she watched me create my life without her?

Anxiety–I felt this a great deal when Marah moved to LA.  We got on that plane and all I thought of was what if “something” happened–anything–how were we going to help her thousands of miles away.  Eventually, the anxiety lessen as we saw her solve so many problems on her own mostly without even reaching out to us much.  And now her boyfriend lives with her in LA and I definitely feel less anxious knowing they have each other.  But it is different with Maddie.  I am less worried about the day to day stuff and more worried about her being alone.  This has been such a difficult few years for her.  She has done so much on her own to heal and restart her life but we have been right down the road if she ever needed us (or let’s be honest–if I ever needed her).  Now, we will be a plane ride away. . .

Excitement–I am truly excited for this next chapter for Maddie.  I think the city of Denver is a great city that she is truly going to love to explore.  She has some current friends in Denver who have been her touchstones in her young adult life and I think they are going to truly help her in this next step of healing.  I also think she is going to meet a lot of new people through her job and social events.  I always thought the American Cancer Society was going to me Maddie’s one and only company she worked for.  I thought she would have had different jobs within the company but that this was going to be her lifelong company.  I am so excited for her job with St Jude.  I was able to hear a conversation with her new manager this week and it made me so eager for her to start this job.  The work, travel, incentives, challenges, rewards are all something that secured my belief that Maddie was no longer running from something but running to something.

Gratitude–So how can you have and deal with all of these conflicting emotions?  Because I know how incredibly lucky I am.  Both of my girls are going to be thousands of miles away from me and I will miss seeing them on a day to day basis but now that Don and I are retired we can visit them whenever we want.  We recently created a Marco Polo account and communicate regularly through that and I know there will be regular Facetimes.  There are parents that do not get this.  My own parents would have given anything to see my sister create a life for herself no matter where that would have been.   There are parents who would give anything to Facetime with their child or travel to see them in their new home.  So I can be sad as we drive away, be angry about the “would have beens”, be nervous about the obstacles that will arise, and yes, deal with my feelings of inadequacy  but in the end. . .how incredibly lucky am I.