Big Birthday

This birthday was a big one for me–No I did not turn 60 yet! However, my mom’s 57th year of life was probably one of her most difficult and believe me she had some difficult years.  This was the year that the entire rest of her life changed into something she was not expecting.  Her and my dad were discussing my dad’s retirement and what that would look like.  I had at least 3 more years of college so I am sure they were going to wait for me to graduate before my dad stopped working.  They had talked about a life down in Arizona.  I am not sure if they were going to permanently move or just be snowbirds but after losing my sister and going through breast cancer I am sure my mom was looking for some rest and relaxation.

This is not what her 57th year brought her.  It brought her my dad’s lung cancer diagnosis.  It brought her watching her strong, tall, active husband wither away to a skinny, frail man.  It brought her doctor and hospital visits filled with hope and then darkness.  It brought her struggling to stay positive for me and my brother and especially my dad while she was breaking inside.  And then it brought her the deep loneliness of widowhood.  She had to figure out how to do everything on her own.  No more retirement with the love of her life, no more moving to Arizona, no more of the life she was expecting. . .deserving.

I also now realize she was going through all of this as she was probably experiencing all the symptoms of menopause and not knowing what was going on with her body, mind, and emotions while she was throttled with the pain of such deep grief.  She was angry.  I remember a day shortly after my dad died that I told my mom that I was going to head up to Oshkosh to spend some time with my friends because that is how I escaped my grief.  I could go back to school.  Go back to a life where there are no dead fathers or grieving mothers.  There’s fun, friends, and yeah some school.  She had no escape.  She had to wake up everyday to the empty side of the bed and wander around the house that held decades of memories.  She was very upset that I was going to leave even if it was just for a day.  She started screaming at me.  She started stripping beds and throwing mattresses off beds.  She scared me.  I had never seen my mom like this.

I understand these emotions so much more now than I did back then.  If I had had this understanding back then, I would have grabbed my mom in my arms and let her scream and cry all day because I would have known all that she lost.  I would have known the anger she felt at a life that just kept beating her up.  I would have known the confusion she felt as to how to take the next step forward.  Because I now have that life, that love that she had.  I am lucky enough to have retired unlike my dad and mom and am now experiencing life of travel, family, and friends without the stress and limitations that days of work give you. 

This past year I was very cognizant that this was the year that my mom lost my dad so when I turned 58 this past week I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that everyday I still have my husband and the life I expected and dreamt about.  I do not take this for granted because I know women like my mom who have had their life snatched away from them in one form or another and realize that same fate can happen to me in any moment.  I know how extremely lucky I am to have the life I have and the people I have surrounding me.

I was always so incredibly proud of my mom.  She ended up living 22 years on this earth without my dad.  During that time she really reinvented her life and lived what I and I think she considered a very happy life despite all that life threw at her.  However, this past week while I was in a boat in the Pacific watching whales jumping through the water and seeing the most incredible sunset as I enjoyed a tropical beverage with great people and the love of my life, tears came to my eyes as I wished my mom and dad would have been able to have more experiences like this.  Here’s to year 58 and living a life of gratitude.

P.S.  The pictures included in this post are of me this year in Cabo for my 58th and my beautiful mom when she was 60, 3 years after my dad’s death when she took a group trip with people she did not know down to Florida and me and my friends met up with her during spring break of my first year of teaching.