I told you that I needed to write about this subject in 3 parts because there is so much to say and I did not want to get too long with each blog. This second one has to do with my emotional and cognitive struggles over the last few years.
As women, we go through a lot of transitions not just physically but emotionally during our 50s. Yes, men go through these same transitions and we need to honor that as well but I will let a man blog about their experiences. Many women in their 50s are contemplating ending their careers and questioning what their life looks like without a career. Some are caregiving for elderly parents and/or grieving the loss of their parents. Many are becoming empty nesters and discovering their new parenting role of adult children. There is a lot going on!
I feel like my 50s have brought about some of the most changes I have experienced in life. We sold our family home and moved downtown. Both of my girls moved to different states. And after 32 years of being an educator I retired. Besides all of this, I experienced some significant losses in my life.
Unfortunately, I have experienced loss before but this time around grief has really hit me in ways that felt different than before. I know each journey with grief is different but this was unlike any past experiences. I found myself uncontrollably crying on my way to and from work. My car always seemed like my “safe” place. I started feeling hopeless like this is really what life is all about–people dying. I started questioning what this is all for. I just did not feel like myself. Michael’s death also was difficult because I really needed to put my grief aside to be there for Maddie but that was also a piece of the grief. I was grieving the life that she and Mike and all of us had begun to see for them.
Michael’s death also impacted my work in several different ways. I was working with students who did not always appreciate the opportunities that were being given to them and believe me there are many valid reasons as to why they did not. However, at the time I found myself getting more frustrated with them because I thought of how Michael would have done anything to be in their spots no matter what challenges faced them. I also felt my cup spilling over. Dealing with my own grief, helping Maddie navigate her grief, and trying to still be a good wife, mom, friend was about all I could handle so it was difficult to try to help my students with all the problems they were facing. I still feel like I was doing a good job but I knew my heart was not in it like it used to be. Thus, my decision to retire. It was earlier than I anticipated and I know I still could have done the job but I also knew my students deserved better and I wanted them to have better.
Beside the emotionality of everything I was going through, I felt like I was slipping cognitively. I would be at meetings and lose my train of thought or I would be writing an email and could not come up with the word I was looking for. I started to worry that I was having early signs of Dementia or Alzheimer’s. I also had difficulty with attention and focus. These were issues at work and home. My husband routinely made note of my not listening or losing focus on what he would be saying.
During the past couple of years I also felt myself becoming more and more irritable. Things that never bothered me in the past were now the most irritating thing in the world. I must not have hidden it well either because many times Don would ask me what was wrong because it looked like I wanted to kill him. Again, I used to be this very laid back person and could deal with most anyone and anything. Now, everyone and everything seemed so uncontrollable.
I also had two or three experiences where I felt like I was having panic attacks. I have never been an overly anxious person but all of a sudden I was having bouts of anxiety and worry that I never experienced before.
All of these physical and emotional issues really came to a head this past fall with two experiences. The first one was in September. Don and I were visiting Marah in LA and we decided to take a hike to the Griffith Observatory. Don said it was a 3 mile hike which at the time I was walking 3-5 miles 3-5 times a week back home so that seemed easy. Marah, who had taken the hike before, told us it was a pretty easy hike and she sent us on our way. Well. . .this ended up being the most difficult hike of my life for many reasons. In my defense all 3 miles were a solid and steady incline and it was 100 degrees that day. However, I would say about halfway up it wasn’t just the physical difficulty that got to me. It became very emotional for me. I broke down in tears. How is this so difficult? Why can’t my body do what it once did? Why isn’t Don having a difficult time? Am I having a heart attack? Will I ever be able to do what I once could? Is life over?
Poor Don. He didn’t know what to do. Walk with me and try to support me. No! I didn’t want his help. I can do this! I am a strong independent woman! Okay, I will walk ahead of you. What? Where are you going? Can’t you see I might be dying? At one point, he asked if I wanted to turn around. How could he ask such a thing?! I am not quitting. I am going to make it up this f&#@*g hill even if I die trying!
Well, I did make it up but as I turned the corner to the observatory I saw all of these people who I did not see on the path when we walked up. One woman was older than me and dressed nicely with shoes that were not hiking shoes and I started to question how the hell she got up that hill. Well, Don said, “They drove. You can drive up here if you want.” He luckily walked away at that point when he saw the look in my eye and I told him that I needed a few minutes to decompress from the hike.
Again, it was more than the physical difficulty of the walk. It was all of the breakdowns of my body that I had been feeling over the past several years that just came flooding in on that hike. I was so sick of feeling old and out of shape. I just felt too young to be feeling like this.
The second experience was my cousin Mary’s death. Like I have said, I have had to deal with grief many times in my life starting when I was 14 years old so this was not new to me. However, for many reasons Mary’s death hit me differently. She was the last person in my life besides my brother who knew my parents very well, we were the executor’s of her estate, it was unexpected, she was one of my best friends, etc. But I just felt all the sad feelings, anxiety, low self-esteem just hitting me like a tidal wave. I just did not feel like myself and I was sick of feeling like this.
Something had to change.