I know it has been awhile since my last blog and there are other subjects I could have written about but there has been a topic that I have been wanting to write about for quite some time but wanted to get some results regarding my journey before I wrote. I just read that back and it sounds like I am sick–I am not sick, but have been going through something that I have really struggled with and now realize many other women have had similar struggles. Because I have a lot to say about this topic, I am going to break this down into 3 different blogs. I hope that you will stick with me because what I have learned has truly been life changing for me.
I want to start by giving some history about my body image and my women’s health history so you can understand a little more how these last few years have truly surprised and shocked me. As a young woman, I never had any body image issues. I never kept track of my weight (except when my college volleyball coach would have us do weekly weigh ins and we had to run laps for every pound we were “overweight”–can you believe that!!!???), never felt like I compared myself to others, etc. I cannot even tell you what size my wedding dress was. It was a complete non-issue for me growing up. During my 40s, there was a point that I had put on some unnoticed weight. I took a picture with one of my students and when I saw that picture I realized that I had put on some weight. I did weight watchers for a few months and easily dropped 25 pounds and felt great.
As for my women’s health, without getting too personal and/or embarrassing my husband and daughters, up until a few years ago everything was normal and uneventful. I always got my period exactly on the day that it was supposed to come, which made it very easy for me to figure out that I was pregnant. When Don and I decided to have children, we got pregnant easily with each girl. My pregnancies were great–really, they were great. I did not mind being pregnant at all and still feel like those were some of the healthiest months of my life. My births were even easy, well quick not easy. Arrived at the hospital at 8:00 a.m. for Maddie and she was born at 9:58 a.m. and Marah we arrived at 11:10 a.m. and she was born at 11:35 a.m.!!! Again, without embarrassing Don or the girls too much Don and I have always had a very healthy sex life as well (I can see my girls cringing right now 😂)
All of this changed a few years ago. Actually it probably began changing long before that but I did not recognize the changes. The unexplained weight gain in my 40s probably was a sign that I did not recognize because I was able to lose the weight pretty quickly. Let me talk about the physical issues first.
Again, as I entered my 50s, I noticed a weight gain but now no matter what I did I could not lose the weight. I tried weight watchers again and nothing. I picked up my activity level-nothing. Tried intermittent fasting-nothing. And this time I began to have body image issues. I found myself comparing myself to other women my age. I enviously looked at my beautiful daughters and remembered the days my body used to look like that. Shopping for clothes became demoralizing as nothing looked good in the mirror. The way I felt about my body affected my physical relationship with Don and then I started going down the horrible rabbit hole of nothing is ever going to be as good as it once was. I guess the mental/emotional issues coincide with the physical.
Besides the weight gain, I had this constant fatigue feeling. Now, everyone who knows me knows that I am a tired girl and I don’t have very good sleep habits. This really was an issue when I was still working because I would only get 5-6 hours of sleep a night and Jill is definitely a 8-10 hour sleep kind of girl. However, even when I retired and I was getting a bunch of sleep I would still feel so fatigued. This in turn influenced my exercise routine. Yoga routines that I used to get through easily were difficult to complete. Outdoor walks became strenuous. I forced myself to stay active but it was hard to motivate myself when I wasn’t seeing any change to my body.
All of my exercise and watching what I ate not only did not move the needle on the scale or how my clothes felt but I also was not seeing any improvements in my health. I have always battled with cholesterol levels. Since my doctors started having me do lab work I have always had elevated levels of cholesterol. My doctor had pushed off putting me on medication because my other numbers were good. She just always suggested a Mediterranean Diet. However, last fall, after months of steady exercise and healthy eating my cholesterol spiked through the roof to the highest it ever has been as did my blood pressure and all of a sudden I have a pillbox with cholesterol, blood pressure medications, fish oil, vitamins, and a probiotic. Not to mention I now have a cardiologist. How did this happen?
What also impacted my exercise and movement was my aching joints. My mom once said to me, “Just wait Jill. There is going to be a day when you wake up in the morning and everything hurts.” How could I already be at that day in my mid 50s???!!!! It first started with ankle pain. I actually thought I may have a stress fracture so my doctor took x-rays and they came back clean. When she informed me of the clean x-rays she did not have any other comments about looking further into the pain. So I had to ask–”Well, now what?” With that she gave me a referral to a podiatrist. The podiatrist told me I had the start of arthritis and gave me a prescription to get custom made orthotics. Arthritis!!! Is this really where I am at–a pillbox and arthritis???!!! I am only 55! Well, of course insurance does not cover orthotics so I just ordered some inserts off of Amazon. I have to admit they did help a great deal but I was still waking up in the middle of the night with knee and hip pain. It was exactly how my mom described. I woke up each morning and everything hurt. Our daughter Maddie had just bought a new mattress and bed and she inquired the last time we got a new mattress. We were embarrassed to say that our mattress was our original one that we had when we got married. That must be it–we need a new mattress!! After a lot of trial and error, we finally got a mattress that both Don and I liked and it definitely was more comfortable but my joints were still aching, maybe not as bad but it was still definitely there.
Then, there was sleep. As I said earlier, anyone who knows me knows I like my sleep and I am really good at sleep–or I was. I could fall asleep anywhere, anytime. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and did not wake up until the alarm sounded. I marveled at my friends who had difficulty sleeping. I just did not understand how this could be a problem for anyone. . .until it became a problem for me. All of sudden when my head hit the pillow instead of falling asleep my mind would race with a million and one thoughts. I would toss and turn and finally fall asleep just to be awoken a few hours later. I never used to wake up in the middle of the night and now I was waking up 2-3 times a night. What is wrong with me???!!! Jill Petre having trouble sleeping??? What is going on?
Again, I don’t want my daughters to cringe too much but this is also an important part of the physical part of what was going on with me. My once healthy sex life now turned into such a painful experience. No matter what was tried, this part of my life now became a chore and I tried to avoid it as much as possible. I was so worried that Don thought I wasn’t attracted to him anymore because I certainly was, my body was just not cooperating.
I attributed all of this to getting old but how was this happening in my 50s? I thought all of this wouldn’t happen until I was in my late 60s-70s. Is this it? This is what I have to look forward to for the next 20-30 years of my life? Well, this sucks.
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