Happy Birthday to my brother. . .my friend!

“I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.”—Maya Angelou

Today is my brother’s 63rd birthday.  And as I have done with my other birthday blogs this past year I am going to use a word to describe my brother and that word is transformative.  There is only one other person who I have seen totally reinvent their life like my brother has and that was my mom after my dad passed away.

In my eyes my brother is not the same person he was 20 years ago.  Twenty years ago my brother was working an extraordinary number of hours, was not practicing a healthy lifestyle, not managing his emotions well, and to be honest was just not that happy of a person.  A heart attack, my mom’s death, cancer, and a divorce has allowed my brother to change in ways that I am not sure he even knew he could.  And I say change, but the more I get to know my brother, the more I am thinking this is who he always was but for one reason or another he wasn’t able to show people this side.

My brother is productive.  Even though he is not able to work, he continues to take care of his house and yard all by himself.  He always has some project that he is working on.  My favorite is a flower garden that he started when my daughter’s fiance got sick that he continues to plant each year.

My brother is an activist.  He cares about people and their rights as well as his own.  He speaks up when he thinks he is being wronged.  Recently, he has started attending his community’s town hall meetings and speaks up frequently to make sure his city is looking out for their residents.

My brother is vigilant with his health.  He goes to all of his regular doctor’s appointments.  Keeps up with his medications.  Seeks advice when he wants improvements and advocates for his needs.  I appreciate that he does what he can to stay on this earth for as long as he can.

My brother is a dog lover.  He has always been a dog lover and owner but his current two dogs have had some issues and he takes such good care of them.  I know they give him love and companionship as well but he is constantly worried about them and wanting to do right by them.

My brother is a great friend.  He is always looking out for his friends; Sends cards in the mail to let them know he is thinking of them, texts friends to check in on them, visits them at home when they are struggling.  He is always ready to give a helping hand when needed.

My brother is compassionate.  He truly cares about others and visibly feels for them.  Even with my own friends that he doesn’t know that well,  he will ask about them in general but especially when they may be struggling with something.  He has often sent cards to them letting them know he is thinking about them.  The Higgins clan is an emotional group.  We wear our hearts on our sleeves but since my mom died I have been able to see this side of my brother like I never had before.

My brother is a great Uncle.  He loves my girls with his entire heart.  My brother shows love by doing (acts of service) so it has been difficult since my girls have moved across the country to do things for them.  So instead he texts them regularly, always keeps up with the latest in their lives, and truly looks forward to seeing them every time they are in town.

My brother is a phenomenal brother-in-law.  Don would have me change brother-in-law to best friend because that is what they are-best friends.  They talk/text everyday-multiple times a day. We had my brother over for his birthday on Sunday.  He was over for 6 hours and I don’t think they stopped talking the entire time!!!!  I didn’t think boys could talk so much!  Honestly, they love each other and would do anything for each other.

My brother is a great brother.  My brother and I were not always close.  People who see us and know us today would probably be surprised by that.  There were a variety of reasons for this that do not need to be rehashed but it is worth noting because there actually was a time that I thought after my mom passed away that my relationship with my brother would also die.  I often say that my mom would be so happy to see how close we are today because I know when she left this earth she did not think this would be possible.  How did we recover?  How did we build this relationship? How did we get to this great place that we are today????  That is a great question and I have really learned a lot about relationships through my relationship with my brother.  

The very simple answer to this question is we both got over ourselves.  I could blame my brother for our bad years and he could do the same but what we both did is to meet each other in the middle.  When we did this we started to discover that we actually had a lot more in common than I think either of us realized.  We also started looking at each other’s perspective.  Even though we grew up in the same family, we had very different childhoods.  My brother was the oldest and the only son.  And if you ever knew my dad those two roles held a lot of expectations and pressure.  On the other side I was the youngest who was still growing up as her sister took her own life.  Trying to be perfect and not rock the already sinking ship had its pressure of its own.

I would say that over the last 15 years my brother and I have finally got to know each other and thankfully we both like what we see.  Two of my most recent special memories of my brother was last year a friend of his who holds an annual suicide prevention walk invited Don and I to attend.  As my brother and I walked the path we started talking about my sister.  It was probably the most that he and I had talked about her ever and she has been gone for over 40 years!  The next one was on my mom’s death anniversary this past year Don wasn’t around and he and I usually do something to honor her memory.  So instead I texted my brother and we met at one of her favorite restaurants and had breakfast together and had some great conversation.  I could almost feel my mom’s smile.  

My advice to anyone who may have strained family relationships, don’t give up on them and do something to find a place in the middle to meet.  I am so happy my brother and I didn’t give up on each other.  Our relationship is one of my most cherished.  Happy Birthday Brother!