Just Jill

So it is almost a year since I started this blog.  I am proud of myself that I have continued to write and it truly has helped me.  I just went back and reread my first post and it still remains true that writing really calms me and this past year I have had to be calmed quite a bit.  Whether it was Maddie moving, Mary dying, or that horrible election. . . getting my emotions out on paper really helped me process.

So a year in and I have had some people ask me about the name of my blog–Just Jill.  I actually planned on writing about the title in my second post but other topics came to my head.  I have to start by saying that I hate coming up with names.  That work icebreaker when you had to get in a team and come up with a team name–UGH! Stick a pencil in my eye!  So when I started thinking of names, I just started brainstorming and as usual nothing was really coming to me so then I started thinking of words that started with a J like my name.  I love double letter names.  This is why I pushed hard to name one of the girls Paige.  Paige Petre–come on!  That’s a great name!  Don instantly shot me down, pointing out that her initials would be PP and would get ridiculed for her entire life.  Would she???

So in thinking of words that start with J, I was thinking about my name and something that my friend and college roommate always joked about, our names.  We had simple one syllable names, Jill and Sue.  Now, she was a Susan so she could always go by her longer name.  Not me, I was just Jill.  I always wished I had a longer, more glamorous name, like Jillian.  So there’s that but the biggest pull was what worried me the most when I was starting this endeavor-my lack of self-confidence.  I questioned myself about making my writing public because who really wants to read what I have to say.  I am just me.  I have always considered myself a very average person in pretty much all aspects of my life.  

I was a pretty good daughter but I am going to be honest it was pretty easy to be seen highly by my parents.  I was the youngest and they had a pretty tough road with my brother and sister so there wasn’t much wrong I could do in their eyes

I have become a pretty good sister.  However, that relationship has literally taken years to build and yes, I am super proud of where my brother and I are but that took both of us to get here.  

I think I am a decent wife.  I hope Don thinks more of me in this area than I do.  I truly believe I have made Don a better person and I think every partner should do that for each other.  I love him deeply and I think I make him happy but I always feel like I could do more.  I think I take him for granted too much and even though I know our days are numbered I don’t always embrace every day I have with him and I wish I would do that more.

Good mom–oh boy.  I hope I have been.  I look at these two incredible human beings and I can’t believe that I had anything to do with creating such compassionate, intelligent, funny, beautiful women.  I want to be just like them someday!  But how much of that was due to anything I did or didn’t do?  I don’t know because in all honesty like most parents I was learning as I went.  Sometimes making decisions on the fly and other times thinking too much about my every move that it drove me crazy.  

I have to say that I am a good friend and I say that not because of my actions but because of my friends’ actions.  My friends really show up for me in ways that are difficult for me to describe.  I have wonderful friends so that has to make me a good friend, right?  Why would they be so wonderful to me if I was a bad friend?  So I am going with that.

The role in my life that gave me the most confidence was my career as a school counselor.  I can confidently say that I was an excellent school counselor.  I saw the big picture.  I empathized not only with the students’ teenage struggles but with family dynamics and challenges.  I saw the issues of an education system that does not meet the individual qualities and challenges of each child and I attempted to improve on such a system.  I had great relationships with my colleagues and most of my bosses.  People respected me and my opinions.  I left each of my roles better than when I began each role.  I was an excellent school counselor.

We could really do a deep dive into why my career is my most confident role but that is for another time.  However, this lack of confidence did lead to the title of this blog.  I am just Jill.  I am no expert in anything that I am writing and although Don would say that I think I am always right I know that my opinions are just my opinions.  I wish I knew more, acted more, told people my feelings more, had more answers than questions, etc. but in the end I am Just Jill.  Thank you to all of you who have taken time to read my thoughts and emotions and extended gratitude to those of you who have commented on my posts.  I did not go into this for likes and/or comments but the validations have really encouraged me to continue on.  So here’s to another year of . . .Just Jill.