I haven’t written in awhile and boy do I feel it. Everything seems very heavy right now for a number of reasons. I am not sure why I haven’t written because I have a lot to write about. I think just as with all self care activities-you have to make it a priority or it doesn’t happen and I have not been making my writing a priority and seriously I can really feel it. Just like when I don’t exercise on a regular basis or eat healthy for a stretch of time–I physically can feel it.
So my first blog back I have to write about an important person I just lost. Many of you already know about the passing of Mary Behan. Man, even typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. I am still in such disbelief that she is gone. For those of you who do not know Mary, Mary was my cousin but as I have attempted to explain to people who didn’t know about our relationship and what I tried to convey in my eulogy at Mary’s celebration of life, Mary was way more than a cousin. She was one of my closest and dearest friends.
She was 76 years old and had been having some heart issues but her death still came as a shock to us all. This time last year Mary was doing great. She was living her life as she always has with joy, laughter, and love. She was playing cards with her friends every week, going to the casino, made a couple trips to Laughlin, Nevada, doing her charity work with Relay for Life, and making regular visits to see Don and I. I would have never thought that a year later she would be gone. As my daughter stated, you expect 76 year olds to pass away but it felt like Mary had a lot more life to live.
Her death has rattled me for many reasons. One, is she was very close to my parents and now with her gone I feel like it is just my brother and I who shared this bond with them and it felt like I was losing a part of them all over again. Mary had great stories about my parents that she would regularly tell and now I am never going to hear those stories again.
Another reason is that Mary was my touchstone. She was my confidant. She really was my therapist. As I stated in my eulogy, Mary has been a person that has helped me through some of my darkest times. I could talk to her about my sister’s death, which was so helpful because my family would never talk about her death so she is one of the few people in my life that I could really dig into her suicide with. She was there for my mom when my dad died and she definitely was there for me when my mom died. Recently when we lost Michael and I had to watch my daughter’s heartbreak, Mary was there once again talking me through my own heartbreak and how to help Maddie through hers.
Mary chose Don and I to be the executors of her will, which I am taking as an honor. What comes with this is attempting to do everything the way she would want them done. We were fortunate to have a discussion with Mary a couple of months before her death as to what she wanted her funeral to be like. I cannot recommend enough for all family and friends to do this with your loved ones. It is not a fun conversation to have but it really allowed Don and I to put together a celebration that I think Mary would have loved. Now I wish we would have extended that conversation and discussed her things. I just want to do right by her and just like everything in my life I wish I could talk to her about it. I loved talking to Mary about just anything. Man, I miss her.
Her death has also made me think so much about my own mortality. People die at all ages for a variety of reasons. As the saying goes “everyday is a gift”. I am approaching the age that my mom was when she lost my dad, Mary was only 20 years older than me, a friend of ours just had quadruple bypass surgery. If women who want to become mothers think their biological clock ticks loudly, wait until you get to be of a certain age when you hear your “life clock” ticking–it is incredibly loud. Through my grief and sadness I am trying to lower the volume on this clock by continuing to live a life with gratitude and enjoy whatever days I may have left but when you are grieving that can be tough. More on all of this to come in future blogs. . .
I wanted to end this one by sharing my eulogy. I thought it really captured Mary and my relationship with her. Everyone should have a Mary Behan in their life.
Good afternoon, everyone. My name is Jill Petre, and I stand before you today with a heart that feels both heavy and grateful. Mary Behan was not just my cousin; she was one of my best friends, and the depth of our connection is something I will cherish forever.
With a twenty-year age difference and an extended family that isn’t particularly close, it might have seemed unlikely for us to form such a bond. Yet Mary had this incredible ability to welcome people into her life, and I truly believe that we were drawn into each other’s lives for a purpose.
My early memories of Mary was her coming up to visit my mom and dad on a pretty regular basis. I am not sure why, but Mary felt really close to my parents and would spend a lot of time with them. I will admit when I was young I always thought Mary was my aunt probably because of the age difference. It is a similar mistake my own children have made through the years. The three of them, Mary and my mom and dad, especially enjoyed their time at the horse track together. Mary was a great story teller and she always had great stories to tell me about her time with my parents. Two of my favorite stories were one time when she was visiting and my dad was mixing her his famous vodka gimlets and she overindulged and ended up throwing up in the pocket of her robe because she couldn’t make it to the bathroom. The other one was when they were at the horse track and my dad had thrown a winning ticket away and refused to dig in the garbage to retrieve it so my mom went in search of it. I can’t remember now how much the ticket was worth but my mom was not going to let it go unclaimed.
When my dad passed away, my mom faced a daunting reality—she was young and suddenly navigating a world of loss. Mary stepped in, offering her friendship and support, becoming a traveling companion and a kindred spirit. They created a bond over casino trips and card games, adventures that helped my mom find her footing again. I’ll always be grateful for the way Mary took my mom under her wing during those challenging times.
These were the years that I began to get to know Mary much better. When I met my husband, Don, and I started meshing my life with his I became worried about my time with my mom especially for the holidays. Don is from a big family and they spent their Thanksgivings together. I didn’t want to leave my mom on Thanksgiving to spend it with Don’s family. As usual, Mary sensed this dilemma and started a traditional Thanksgiving trip with my mom. Each Thanksgiving they would take a weekend casino trip and I could spend Thanksgiving with the Petres without worrying about my mom. I tagged along on a couple of their gambling trips and it was such a joy to watch these two in action. One of Mary and my favorite stories about my mom was one night after a late night of gambling we were in our hotel room. We had shut off the lights and were just falling asleep when Mary and I were awoken by all this rustling in the bed next to us. We turned on the light and my mom was sitting up in bed with her purse emptied out around her and she said she couldn’t go to bed until she organized her purse and when we questioned her on this she said, “Well, you know I am known for my organized purse.” Mary and I laughed until we cried thinking that she really thought that was what she was known for. We joked with her for years that we were going to have her tombstone engraved “Here lies Joan. She had an organized purse”
When my mom passed away I always felt bad for Mary because my mom chose not to have a funeral or memorial service of any kind so Mary really didn’t get to have the closure I think she needed. At the point of my mom’s death, I really thought that Mary and I might drift apart and she would become like most of my cousins, someone I hear about from time to time but that did not happen. I think we leaned into each other as we experienced our common loss. At first it just started with continuing our New Year’s Eve card game, which I will explain in a bit but then Mary started coming up for the girl’s birthday parties, and thanksgiving weekend and we would go down by her place in Apple River. We became closer and closer and I realized she was much more than my cousin, she was one of my closest and dearest friends.
Our New Year’s Eve card game. . . a gathering that has filled our lives with laughter and love. I have been trying to figure out how many years this game has been going on. Maybe when I can uncloud my mind I will figure this out but it started as a family game. My brother Tom, his girlfriend at the time, my mom, Mary, and Don and I. Throughout the years, other people came and left the game depending on everyone’s New Year’s Eve plans. Eventually, one of my mom’s best friends, Jan, joined the game after her husband passed away. One year we invited our neighbors and dear friends the Randlman’s to join in the festivities and they became regulars.
After my mom passed away, we questioned if we would continue our tradition but we decided that we must so the crew continued to get together including my mom’s dear friend Jan. Then, a few years ago Jan passed away and there was another missing chair at the card table. Well, this year, I know we will continue on but I cannot begin to explain how big the missing chair will be this year. Mary was our anchor, guiding us through every hand and every joke, always with that warm smile. It is similar to how she has guided me in life.
All of her visits to our home, casino travels, New Year’s and thanksgiving traditions were filled with fun and laughter. She always left our house saying “Always great visiting you kids!” but my favorite part of her visits were when everyone else would go to bed and Don would mix one more drink for Mary and I before he went to bed and we would stay up for hours talking. Those late-night conversations—about everything and nothing—were treasures. It was during those moments that I truly understood the depth of her heart and the wisdom she shared. We would cry, we would laugh. Those talks were everything to me and I’ m not quite sure how I am going to survive without them. She has been such a significant part of getting me through my biggest losses and now I am going to have to do it without her this time.
She loved her family deeply—especially her two brothers, Tom and Jim. Her family meant the world to her. She kept me updated on each of you, always proud and eager to share stories of your lives.
Mary had a remarkable ability to touch the lives of everyone around her. Look at this room today; it’s a testament to the countless friendships she nurtured. Mary lived a life full of joy because she surrounded herself with such incredible loving people. People that she was able to rely on, especially this past few months when she needed help. I cannot express my own gratitude enough for your friendship.
One thing I must highlight is Mary’s giving spirit. Her dedication to causes like Relay for Life showcased her compassion and desire to make a difference. She committed years to fundraising for the American Cancer Society, and it warms my heart to see her relay team here today, honoring her legacy.
In closing, I want to say this: Mary was my guide through some of life’s toughest moments, and now I find myself in a world without her. But I take comfort in knowing that her spirit lives on in each of us. Her laughter, her kindness, and her love will continue to resonate in our hearts.
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