We Can’t Protect Them From Life

I cannot believe it was 26 years ago that my wonderful Madeline Jo came into our lives.  Don and I started our marriage believing we would not have children.  Neither of us felt that paternal instinct and we felt like we wanted to create a life together that was just about he and I.  I remember when I broached the subject of having children with him.  I was so worried because this was not what he had signed up for and I wasn’t sure he wanted to change our plan.  I was so relieved when he expressed that he had been thinking about having children as well.  

I remember the day Madeline was born very well.  We were just coming off of spring break.  I was not going back to work because I actually thought Maddie was going to be born during spring break but she was late (as usual–this has become a theme in her life 😊).  I woke up that morning not feeling myself and I began to have some pains.  However, I wanted to be sure before we went to the hospital so who did I call? My mom, of course.  I explained to her that I thought I might be going into labor and then one of those pains came and when my mom heard my voice as I tried to make the pain go away she “calmly” said, “Jill, what are you doing on the phone with me?  Call your doctor!”  By the end of that morning, Madeline Jo Petre was born.

When my mom brought us Christmas presents she made sure she spent the exact same amount on each child, down to the penny.  I have followed that practice as well.  Not as exact as she did.  She literally would go and buy a candy bar and put it on one of our presents if that made it even.  So since my birthday blog for Marah focused on one word, I am going to do the same for Maddie’s.

My word for Maddie is Brave.  As my girls grew up I always thought about my own trauma and grief that I went through as a child and my goal was to protect them from going through anything that I went through–as if it is possible to prevent death and grief from happening. However, as certain milestones came and went I would breathe a sigh of relief.  When Don got his cancer diagnosis, I did not react calmly.  I went to the darkest of places.  All the memories of my own father’s cancer diagnosis came flooding back and I thought my girls were also going to lose their father. When he got through his cancer journey and both of the girls turned 20 with their father still in their lives, I was extremely relieved.  After both of their first days of high school I quietly looked up to the skies and thanked the angels that they got through their first days with just the normal anxiety of a first time high schooler, unlike my first day of high school.  Actually, when they both got into their twenties I really thought we had “made it”.  I could have never imagined what was ahead for Maddie.

What Madeline has gone through these past 3 years has broken my heart.  However, to see how she has handled everything with such poise, compassion, reflection, and bravery has been inspirational.  She has had to endure things that no one her age should have to endure but she faced every challenge, every set back, every heartbreak with strength and determination.  

My therapist at one point told me I was the perfect person to help my daughter through her grief because I also experienced grief at a young age but in all honesty Maddie has taught me more about grief than I ever could.  She taught me how important it is to feel every emotion that grief brings to you no matter how ugly or difficult. She taught me how important it is to talk through your grief if that is with someone you know, yourself, or a therapist–keep talking. She also showed me how healing it is to keep a legacy of a loved one alive. Taking care of Mike and watching him go through so many horrible days was difficult and scary, but Maddie never faltered. She stayed right be his side until the end. Then, she started putting the pieces of her life back together even though there were days she didn’t know where to start.  She took care of herself–exercised, got massages, read, surrounded herself with supportive people, kept to herself when she needed to, participated in therapy, and took it day by day.  

Her journey continues today and she continues to do such brave things.  Recently, she was faced with a decision of staying in her comfort zone.  Keeping a job she knows well and is extremely good at, continue to live in a city that she knows and enjoys, and stay near to the people who love and support her the most.  Or leave her comfort zone.  Start a new job, move to a strange city, meet new people.  Do some really scary/hard things.  It would have been really easy to stay put and there were definitely days that Maddie was leaning toward that but my brave Maddie knows that she can do scary/hard things.  My brave Maddie knows that moving out of your comfort zone is what brings you the growth you need and leads you to the happiness you want.  My brave Maddie really knows who she is and what she needs and wants.  

If anyone wants to share their word for Maddie as she celebrates her 26th birthday, I would love to hear them. I love you my brave girl!